James Fitzgerald Therapy PLLC

Maintaining Healthy Relationships (“GIVE” Skills)

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), interpersonal effectiveness refers to strategies we use to communicate our needs, assert our boundaries, and foster healthy, balanced relationships. One key set of skills taught in DBT to strengthen relationships and nurture healthy interactions is summarized by the acronym GIVE. GIVE skills guide us toward effective communication, particularly when maintaining positive and supportive relationships is our main goal.

The GIVE skills are as follows:

Gentle:
Gentleness in communication means being respectful, polite, and considerate of the feelings of others, even during difficult conversations. When we practice gentleness, we avoid blame, accusations, sarcasm, harsh language, threats, or belittling the other person’s feelings or perspectives. Gentleness helps maintain the respect and safety crucial to meaningful relationships.

Interested:
Being genuinely interested means actively listening and engaging with others, focusing your attention fully on what they say and demonstrating genuine curiosity about their experiences, thoughts, and emotions. Interested communication fosters empathy and emotional closeness, signaling that you value the other person deeply and sincerely.

Validate:
Validation involves recognizing and affirming the feelings, perspectives, or experiences of others, even when we disagree or cannot fully understand their viewpoint. Validation does not mean agreeing; it means acknowledging that the other person’s experience is legitimate and worthy of respect. Validation creates trust and emotional intimacy in relationships.

Easy Manner:
Having an easy manner means communicating in a relaxed, friendly, and approachable way. Smile, use humor (appropriately), and maintain a calm demeanor. This style of communication puts others at ease, making interactions smoother and less stressful. An easy manner contributes to a positive atmosphere where all participants feel comfortable and safe.

When we combine these skills—Gentle, Interested, Validate, and Easy manner—we effectively communicate care, respect, and empathy. Practicing GIVE regularly helps maintain healthy, satisfying, and supportive relationships.

Practical Exercise: Practicing “GIVE” Skills in Everyday Interactions

This exercise helps you consciously practice GIVE skills in your daily life. It’s designed to build self-awareness and enhance your interpersonal effectiveness skills by improving communication habits.

Step 1: Choose an Interaction

Select a recent interaction or conversation where you felt some tension, misunderstanding, or difficulty. Alternatively, choose an upcoming interaction that you anticipate might be challenging or emotionally charged.

Step 2: Reflect Using GIVE

Take a moment to write briefly in a journal or notebook about this interaction, addressing the following questions:

• Gentle:
  Was I respectful and polite during the interaction? Did I use language or tone that was blaming, aggressive, sarcastic, or dismissive? How could I practice gentleness next time?
• Interested:
  Did I actively listen and demonstrate curiosity about what the other person was feeling or saying? Did I show genuine interest by asking meaningful questions? What could I do differently next time to enhance my engagement?
• Validate:
  Did I acknowledge and affirm the other person’s perspective and emotions, even if I disagreed? How did I or could I express understanding and validation?
• Easy Manner:
  Was my approach relaxed, friendly, and approachable, or was it tense and confrontational? How could I have adopted a lighter, warmer, or more reassuring presence?

Step 3: Practice Intentionally

Choose a specific interaction within the next week to intentionally practice the GIVE skills:

• Focus on staying Gentle: Use kind and respectful words.
• Stay genuinely Interested: Listen actively, ask questions, and pay close attention.
• Practice Validation explicitly: Express understanding and appreciation of the other person’s feelings and perspective.
• Maintain an Easy Manner: Smile, use humor appropriately, and remain calm and friendly.

Step 4: Evaluate and Reflect

After this intentional practice, reflect on the interaction in your journal:

• What did I notice about the communication and relationship when applying GIVE skills?
• How did the other person respond to my communication style?
• Which GIVE skills felt most comfortable or challenging for me?
• What improvements did I notice in this interaction compared to past experiences?

Regularly practicing GIVE skills strengthens your interpersonal connections, fosters mutual understanding, and contributes positively to your overall emotional and social well-being.

Final Thoughts

Healthy relationships are built and maintained through intentional, mindful interactions. DBT’s GIVE skills provide a clear, practical framework that you can use in any situation to enhance communication, empathy, and connection. With practice, GIVE becomes second nature, helping you build trust, respect, and deeper intimacy in all your relationships.