James Fitzgerald Therapy PLLC

Obtaining Objectives Effectively (“DEAR MAN” Skills)

Navigating conversations and effectively obtaining what you want or need can often be challenging, especially when emotions run high or relationships feel complicated. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) provides practical and evidence-based skills to help individuals enhance their communication, assertiveness, and relationship management. One essential DBT tool is called DEAR MAN, a structured approach designed to help you clearly express your desires or needs and effectively reach your interpersonal goals. This lesson explores the DEAR MAN skill and provides a practical exercise for you to practice these skills in real-life scenarios.

What is DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN is an acronym for a set of interpersonal effectiveness skills that help you communicate your needs clearly and assertively while maintaining healthy relationships. Each letter stands for a specific component of communication that, when combined, create a powerful strategy for achieving your objectives.

Understanding Each Step of DEAR MAN

Describe:
Start by objectively describing the situation or issue using factual statements without judgment or interpretation. Clearly outline what has occurred or what you need to discuss.
Example: “I noticed that we agreed to share house chores, but I’ve been doing most of the cleaning lately.”

Express:
Clearly express your feelings and opinions related to the situation using “I” statements to avoid blaming or accusing others.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated because I have less time for myself.”

Assert:
Assert yourself by explicitly stating what you want or need. Be clear, direct, and respectful.
Example: “I’d like us to divide the chores equally again and stick to our schedule.”

Reinforce:
Explain the positive outcomes or benefits of agreeing to your request. Offering reinforcement encourages others to see the advantages of meeting your needs.
Example: “This would help us both have more free time, and I think it would reduce tension between us.”

Mindful:
Stay focused on your goal without getting sidetracked by distractions or emotional reactions. If the other person tries to change the subject, gently guide the conversation back to your objective.
Example: “I understand there might be other concerns, but right now I’d really like to focus on resolving the chores issue.”

Appear confident:
Use confident body language and tone of voice to express your request. Maintain eye contact, speak clearly, and try to avoid overly passive or aggressive behaviors.
Example: Standing or sitting comfortably, maintaining good posture, speaking calmly but firmly, and maintaining eye contact.

Negotiate:
Be open to compromise and suggest alternative solutions if necessary. Negotiating shows flexibility and respect for the other person’s perspective.
Example: “If dividing chores evenly feels difficult right now, can we discuss another way to share tasks fairly that might work better for us?”

Why DEAR MAN is Helpful

DEAR MAN is effective because it helps you approach conversations clearly, confidently, and respectfully. Using DEAR MAN can:

• Reduce misunderstandings and conflicts
• Enhance your ability to express yourself clearly and effectively
• Strengthen relationships through respectful and assertive communication
• Build self-confidence by providing structure for difficult interactions

Practice Exercise: Applying DEAR MAN in Real-Life Scenarios

Exercise Instructions:

Choose a situation from your own life where you would like to assertively communicate a need, request, or boundary. It might be related to personal, professional, family, or relationship issues. Using the DEAR MAN steps outlined above, write down your communication plan as clearly and specifically as possible.

Below is an example exercise to guide your practice:

Example Scenario: Asking a Friend to Return Borrowed Money

Describe: “Last month, you borrowed $50 from me and said you’d pay me back within two weeks. I haven’t received it yet.”

Express: “I feel awkward bringing this up, but I really depend on getting that money back to cover some expenses.”

Assert: “Can you pay me back the $50 by the end of this week?”

Reinforce: “It would mean a lot to me, and I think it’d help keep things smooth between us because I value our friendship.”

Mindful: (If they change the topic or make excuses) “I hear you have other things going on, and I understand it’s uncomfortable to talk about, but can we please focus on resolving this money situation first?”

Appear confident: Use calm, steady voice and maintain gentle eye contact throughout.

Negotiate: “If paying it back in full right now isn’t possible, perhaps we could agree on a smaller amount each week?”

Your Turn: Write Your DEAR MAN Script

Now, use the above format as a guide, and create your own DEAR MAN dialogue:

Describe: (Clearly state facts about the situation.)
Express: (Express your feelings or opinions respectfully.)
Assert: (Clearly state your request or goal.)
Reinforce: (Explain positive outcomes if your request is met.)
Mindful: (Plan a mindful response if the conversation drifts off-topic.)
Appear Confident: (Consider your nonverbal cues—practice in front of a mirror or with someone you trust.)
Negotiate: (Consider what compromises or alternative solutions you’re willing to discuss.)

After writing your DEAR MAN script, consider rehearsing it aloud or practicing with a friend or therapist. Practicing will help you feel more comfortable and confident when having real conversations.

Reflection and Journaling

After practicing DEAR MAN, take some time to reflect:

• How did writing and practicing the DEAR MAN script make you feel?
• Were there any steps that felt challenging to you? Why?
• What changes or adjustments would you make next time?

By regularly using DEAR MAN, you will gradually enhance your interpersonal effectiveness and gain greater confidence in communicating your needs and reaching your goals.