The Observer Self that is You

Before we get started: This page contains a guided meditation that is not a meditation, rather, in this online format it is a lesson and exercise in Internal Family Systems Therapy from my perspective as a therapist who uses an integrative approach to helping people.

Self as the Observer of Your Experience

The goal of this exercise is to allow you to enter “observer” mode, allowing you to view your body, your internal managers, firefighters, and exiles, and your experiences, from the wise state of mind, in Self, remaining objective about the experiences themselves. In this Self mode, you may learn to gain some distance from the areas of your life you may have over identified with. This exercise will teach you one way to unblend from protective parts, concerned parts, or exiles.

You may notice changes after integrating this exercise into a daily practice. You may notice that situations which formerly evoked anxiety or other negative states can now be received peacefully and serenely when you enter into this state of mind known as Self leadership. You may notice that internal and external reactions lose their problematic nature when you view them as multiple parts, and you don’t try to define it as a unitary I or me. In this exercise, you are going to experience your Self without any conscious effort. You will be observing the memories, thoughts, sensations, and emotions that arise within you spontaneously without planning it. There’s no right or wrong way to do this exercise. Whatever you naturally feel and think, is what it is.

One core process that may be positively impacted by mindfulness practice is the ability to observe worries, memories, thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Rather than being completely immersed in them, individuals learn to see these internal experiences as transient states. Through observing states, one can notice a difference between the states themselves and the person observing them. By entering this observer mode, one can “step outside of one’s immediate experience, thereby changing the very nature of that experience.” This process has been referred to as decentering, reperceiving, unblending, and deautomation. This exercise can help you enter this observer mode. Also known as “becoming centered” in Self.

In this exercise, after finding relaxed focus, you will be asked to direct your attention to different areas of life that you may have over-identified with. At different moments, you will be asked to focus on the content of a particular area, for instance, somatic sensory data, thoughts, and emotions. Next, the focus will be shifted to observing that you are aware of and noticing this content. This shift in perspective can generate a brief but powerful psychological state in which there is a sense of transcendence and continuity at the same time. One may experience a Self that is aware of content but not defined by that content.

After you complete this exercise, I encourage you to spend some time evaluating your experiences with your therapist, but without analysis or interpretation. Focus on what you experienced. Was it possible for you to get in this observer mode? Were there any particular qualities of the experience of connecting with the “you”? What can be done to enter this mode more often? Although some clients may report a sense of tranquility or peace, other experiences are possible as well. It can be strange to experience a separateness between events and the Self. You are always allowed to stop during the exercise if you feel it becoming too overwhelming.

During the exercise, at any time, if you find yourself wandering or getting distracted, gently find your way back to the lesson. Taking this moment, and turning your attention to the feeling of being in this room. Imagine yourself, in your mind, sitting in this room, sitting exactly where you are. Now begin to move your awareness toward your body. Imagine and observe the feeling of your body as you are sitting in the chair. Can you see the shape being made by the parts of your body that are changing the shape of the chair? Notice any bodily sensations. Not experiencing them, observing them. With each feeling, acknowledge its presence and allow your consciousness to move on from it. If an emotion arises, acknowledge that it is there and allow it to move on at its own pace. If you notice any thoughts you are having at this moment. Quietly observe them for a few moments. As you watch your thoughts, I want you to notice that you are noticing your thoughts with the part of you that is watching yourself. Notice the difference between an objective perspective and a subjective experience. There is a part of you that is noticing your sensations, your emotions, your thoughts.

In IFS we call the “observer you” that is objective “Self.” There is a spiritual entity or energy source in Self that is pure and present, your conscious conscience. There is a Self behind your eyes, residing in your body and mind, who is aware of what I am saying right now. It is the same Self you’ve been your whole life. In a deep sense, this observer “you” is how you refer to yourself in the first person.

Self is the core aspect of who you are. It is your true and pure essence and inner wisdom. It is characterized by qualities such as clarity, connectedness, confidence, curiosity, creativity, compassion, courage, and calmness. Taking position in the seat of consciousness, it serves as the serene center of stability and can provide clear guidance, compassionate healing, and confident leadership within your internal system. In IFS, the goal is to establish a harmonious relationship with Self among all your parts, where Self leads the system and interacts with all parts from a safe place with patience, presence, persistence, playfulness, perceived understanding, and compassion.

The Self’s qualities (character strengths and moral virtues) are known as the “8 Cs”

They are key qualities that are essential for effective parts work. These qualities provide a framework for understanding and engaging with your different parts.

Curiosity involves cultivating a non-judgmental and open-minded atitude toward your internal experience. It is about approaching your parts with genuine interest and a willingness to explore and understand them. Curiosity helps create a safe space for parts to reveal themselves and express concerns or needs.
Compassion is an atitude of warmth, kindness, and acceptance toward yourself and your parts. It involves treating all parts with empathy and understanding, regardless of their roles or behaviors. Compassion helps establish a trusting relationship with your parts, fostering a sense of safety and support.
Calmness refers to an inner state of peace and centeredness while engaging with your parts. It involves grounding yourself and maintaining a sense of stability and presence during parts work. Calmness allows you to approach your parts from a place of emotional regulation (DBT skill) rather than being overwhelmed by their intensity.
Courage involves the willingness to face and explore challenging or uncomfortable parts. You are brave enough to confront difficult emotions, memories, or beliefs held by different parts. Courage helps you move beyond avoidance or resistance and engage in deeper healing and integration.
Clarity refers to the ability to access a clear and expanded perspective during parts work. It involves seeing the bigger picture, recognizing the interconnections among different parts, and understanding their underlying motivations and intentions. Clarity helps you gain insight into the dynamics and relationships among your parts.
Confidence involves trusting your own inner wisdom and capacity to navigate parts work effectively. You have faith in your ability to connect with and guide your parts toward healing and integration. Confidence allows you to step into the role of leader, providing safety, stability, and direction for your parts.
Creativity involves tapping into your imaginative and intuitive capacities when working with your parts. It allows you to explore new possibilities, alternative perspectives, and innovative solutions for healing and resolving conflicts, making decisions, and solving problems. Creativity encourages flexibility and adaptability.
Connection refers to establishing a deep and authentic connection with your parts, cultivating a sense of trust, mutual respect, cooperation, and collaboration between them. Connection allows for effective and assertive communication, active listening, and cooperation among parts, fostering holistic integration and harmonious functioning.

The 8 characteristics of Self provide a framework for creating a therapeutic and transformative inner dialogue with your parts, facilitating healing, integration, and a greater sense of self-awareness and well-being. When there is inner conflict, it can feel like there are parts rebelling against each other. As uncomfortable as this may be, it is often the best way to know something requires your atention. You may experience any of the following.

You might feel angry and frequently lash out at yourself. You could be severely self-critical and may have thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Sometimes, anger turned inwards is a sign you did not have permission to be angry as a child. It was not safe to express anger because the adults around you could not tolerate the intensity of your emotions. Shame distorts your entire identity, making you believe you are defective, damaged, diseased, no-good, and unworthy of love and goodness. If you were ignored, neglected, hurt, or shamed as a child, you will carry shame as an adult. Shame expresses itself in the way you interact with others, the kinds of relationships you believe you deserve, how you speak up in the workplace, and how you parent your children and set boundaries.

How Do You Perceive Yourself?

Do you ever feel like a child in an adult body, or experience a full-blown tantrum that would be more appropriate for a two-year-old than an adult? Do you engage in power struggles when interacting with someone who reminds you of a family member? You might be regressing back to a younger self-state. If this happens, ask yourself, “How young or old does this part feel?” There is usually an event or situation that triggers regression.

You desperately want others to see you as succesful and happy, and you may want to see yourself as capable and strong. But when you feel the pressure build for everything to be “perfect,” and you begin to suffer the consequences of always striving for perfection, it is time to take a step back and allow the imperfect, human, messy parts of yourself to emerge. You might experience conflicting thoughts, emotions, or desires that pull you in different directions. For example, part of you may want to take a risk, while another part urges caution and safety.

You might have an inner voice that constantly criticizes or undermines your actions and decisions. This critical voice may contradict or undermine positive or productive aspects of yourself. You may often find yourself procrastinating, getting easily distracted, or avoiding responsibilities and important tasks, indicating a resistance, ambivalence, apathy, complacency, or a fear of failure, not taking action or moving forward.

You might have a difficult time making decisions or choices, as different parts of you advocate for conflicting options. This can create confusion, an internal tug-of-war, and difficulty in identifying solutions and reaching resolutions. In IFS this is known as polarization of parts. Parts may also join partnerships, coalitions, and alliances of other parts. You can learn to differentiate yourself from your parts while recognizing you are not defined solely by any one part. This allows you to overcome inner conflict, develop self-leadership, and cultivate compassionate curiosity toward your parts. Instead of suppressing or batling with the parts, you can build a relationship of trust and understanding.

By recognizing and honoring the positive intentions of each part and helping them feel seen and heard, IFS seeks to transform the relationship between parts and promote self-compassion, self-acceptance, and inner peace. The goal is to create an internal environment where your parts feel safe, supported, and aligned with your values and aspirations.

Parts are:

Sometimes aggressive, sometimes passive, sometimes assertive, sometimes passive aggressive
Sometimes outgoing, sometimes isolating
People pleaser parts, caretaking parts, putting others’ needs first before your own
Inner critic parts, not good enough, fear of failure, fear of loneliness
Inner child parts that feel, neglect, abandonment, rejection, humiliation, abuse, failure, grief, and suffering
All or nothing, you always, you never, you should, you shouldn’t
Angry parts, resentment, disgust, disappointment, disdain, contempt, vengeance, spite, rage, revenge, vindictive
And many more to uncover, on your journey inside

Let’s move on, shall we?

Observing Memories of Experiences

I want you to remember something that happened last summer. Imagine that you are back in time, experiencing it all over again. Now, look around this memory. Remember all the things that were happening then. Remember the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, thoughts, emotions, and as you do, see whether you can sense yourself noticing what you’re noticing. See whether or not you can sense the presence of Self in this memory, watching, hearing, and feeling. You were there then as you are here now. I’m inviting you to notice the experience of this awareness and to ask yourself whether it is or isn’t, in some sense, the same Self who was there last summer watching and feeling that is also here now. The Self that is aware of what you are aware of is just as here now as it was then. There’s an essential continuity where, in some deep sense, at this level of experience, your ‘Self’ has been “you” your whole life. Are you experiencing a connection at this moment in this heightened sense of awareness?

I invite you to remember something that happened when you were a teenager. Imagine that you are back in time, experiencing it all over again. Now, look around this memory. Remember all the things that were happening then. Remember the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, thoughts, emotions, and as you do, see whether you can sense yourself noticing what you’re noticing. See whether or not you can sense the presence of Self in this memory, watching, hearing, and feeling. You were there then as you are here now. I’m inviting you to notice the experience of this awareness and to ask yourself whether it is or isn’t, in some sense, the same Self who was there when you were a teenager watching and feeling that is also here now. The Self that is aware of what you are aware of is just as here now as it was then. There’s an essential continuity where, in some deep sense, at this level of experience, your ‘Self’ has been “you” your whole life. There is an essential continuity between the person who is aware now and the person who was aware of yourself as a teenager in that situation. Are you experiencing a connection at this moment in this heightened sense of awareness?

Finally, remember something that happened when you were a fairly young child, say, around age 6 or 7. Imagine that you are back in time, experiencing it all over again. Now, look around this memory. Remember all the things that were happening then. Remember the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, thoughts, emotions, and as you do, see whether you can sense yourself noticing what you’re noticing. See whether or not you can sense the presence of Self in this memory, watching, hearing, and feeling. Notice that Self was there behind those child’s eyes. Your Self was there then as it is here now. The Self aware of what you were aware of as a child is still here now. At every stage of your life, you have been noticing yourself. It’s always been watching you, taking in each moment. From that perspective, I want you to look at some areas of living.

Observing Your Current Experience

I would like to reassure you at this point. Please know that I am providing you with this activity and lesson merely as a tool. I am not promoting or suggesting you develop spirituality, it is not about creating a new faith or belief system. I’m not asking you to believe in a system of little people inside you led by an entity that exists in conscious awareness out of pure love. I’m just asking you to distinguish between what your eyes are looking at and the “you” that is observing the task of your eyes looking. Instead of saying or thinking “I see with my eyes” you could say or think “I have eyes that see.” Instead of “I am cold” you could say or think “My body is experiencing external temperature changes.” Instead of “I need to go run errands” you could say “I am having the thought that I need to run errands.” And to link this concept from Mindfulness to IFS, you could say, “There is a taskmaster part of me that wants to run errands, another anxious part that is worried about money, weather, and traffic, and another procrastinator part that wants to rest today.”

Let’s begin our journey with your physical body, the Soma. Your body is constantly changing and never the same from one moment to the next. Sometimes your body gets sick. Sometimes your body is filled with energy and movement. Your body can feel rested, and your body can feel tired. Your body can be strong or weak. At sometime in your life you were an infant, fragile and needing constant care, but then your body grew to stand on its own. Your body may have even faced challenges with surgery, illness, or disease. The cells in your body have been pruned, many of them throughout your infancy or adolescence, cells going through the process known as neurogenesis. Your cells come and go. The sensations in your body come and go. Your body performs automatic functions that keep you nourished and alive. Even as we have been participating in this meditation, sensations and cells in your body have come and gone. Everything changes; except the “you” that you have called “you” your whole life. This “Self” travels with you in your mind and emotions, adapting to its every change, existing beyond your body. Yes, you have a body, but the “you” experiences your body. Now notice your body from this observing place in Self, just for a moment. As you do this, every so often try to observe how you’re observing the world and experiencing bodily sensations. Self can tell that your parts and the body they reside in are experiencing sensations of pressure, thirst, satiation, hunger, heat, cold, joint pain, and/or sensate pleasure.

Let’s go on to another area: the roles your parts take on. How many roles do your parts play? How many roles have your parts played in the past? Sometimes your parts play the role of a mother, father, child, parent, friend, daughter, son, wife, husband, spouse, partner, coworker, supervisor, employee, sometimes you are a respected worker, other times you are a leader, or a follower. In this world, there is always a role to be played. Even if you try not to play a role, then you would be playing the role of a person not playing a role. Even now, you’re playing a role: the role of a client in therapy. Beyond each of the roles your parts play, there is a role that is unchanging and unmoving. That is the Self as the “observer you.” The part that you call “you” is always watching. It’s always aware of what you are aware of. There’s a “you” that does not change; it does not bend to fit other roles; it is not affected by those other roles. It stays in its true form. The observer “you” is not a part of your body, and it is not a part that plays a role – it simply leads the parts and experiences those roles and takes notes.

Now let’s go to another area: emotions. Your emotions are always changing. Remember, you need emotions. Emotions aid in your survival. Emotions are primitive and evolutionary survival tools. In a span of a few minutes, you can move from feelings of fear to excitement, love to hate, anxious to calmness, joy to sadness, and happiness to sorrow. Even now, you may be experiencing emotions. You could be feeling skeptical, interested, bored, or relaxed. Think about some of the things you may have liked in the past that you don’t like anymore. Think about some of the fears you may have had in the past that have been resolved. The only promise that emotions give you is the promise of impermanence. Waves of emotions come and go. Even with the vast range of emotions, your ‘Self’ (the observer) does not change. The “you” observes but does not directly feel your whole range of emotions, from a tiny moment of joy to the emotional tsunamis that take over your thoughts and your body. The body’s fight or flight response does not come from Self, this response is based in fear from parts. These heightened panic moments eventually subside, and your ‘Self,’ the “observer” is always there, remaining unaffected, ready to lead the recovery effort. Your ‘Self’ does not get overwhelmed by your emotions; your Self is the observer of the experience of emotions flowing in and out of your system. Realize that this is a subjective experience and event. In a deep and important sense, your “Self” is constant. Your Self remains “you” through it all. Now just notice your emotions for a moment, and as you do, also notice that your Self (or you) are observing them.

Now, turning your attention gently to the most difficult area: your thoughts. Thoughts are difficult because they hook us and pull us out of our self leadership role. They can drag us down some pretty deep rabbit holes. If this happens, gently return to the sound of my voice. Notice how your thoughts constantly change restlessly.

Your thoughts used to lack knowledge, and then you went to school, and you learned new thoughts. These new thoughts created new ideas and knowledge in you.
Sometimes you think about things one way and sometimes you think about things from a different perspective.
Sometimes your thoughts are irrational, emotional, illogical, and make little or no sense.
Sometimes intrusive thoughts enter your head automatically without your control.
Sometimes anxious thoughts keep you up at night, even though your body is tired and ready to sleep.
Thoughts are constantly changing, arising, and departing; like leaves in a stream, clouds in the sky, or cars driving by.
Look at what your thoughts were like when you came in today and how many different thoughts you had until now.

And through all the thinking, the “Self” that watches you think is unchanging. Although you have thoughts, you are more than just your thoughts. Notice your thoughts for what they are. Notice that even as you realize this, the stream of conscious thoughts continues. You may get caught up in them, you may become consumed by them, but there’s always a part of you that is standing back, watching each thought come in and leave again. So now watch your thoughts for a few moments – and as you do, also notice that you are noticing them.

As a matter of subjective experience and not of your perception or beliefs please remember:

You are not just a body that senses and functions autonomously
You are not your parts or the roles they play
Your parts play a role and have a positive intent for you
Your parts may become burdened with their roles
Your parts are not their burdens
You are not the role you play
You are not emotions to feel, “feelings are not facts, they’re data.”
You are not thoughts to interpret, “don’t believe everything you think, a thought is a hypothesis.”
You are Self and Self is you

Sensory and internal mental and emotional experiences create activity and memories in your life however, please remember:

You are Self in the arena
You are Self in the landscape
You are Self, the context
You are Self, the content
You are Self, within the space where daily life unfolds.

As you begin to understand these ideas:

You will notice that the things you’ve been struggling with and trying to change are not “you” anyway.
You will agree and understand that there are no bad parts in you, just parts doing their job with a positive intent.
As this war between the parts of your subconscious and external events continues battling on, your ‘Self’ will be there, in a state of ‘wise mind,’ unchanged, non-reactive, non-judgmental, and observing.

Do you believe that Self can take advantage of this calm, compassionate connection, can you ask your parts to cede control, can you ask parts to soften their actions and reactions, can you convince parts to accept reality as it is, and let go, just a little bit more? Notice the parts that show up in the different areas of your life, and as you do, notice that you are still in ‘Self’ watching and being aware of what you’re aware of.

Now, with your eyes still closed, come back to the moment now, and imagine or visualize yourself in this room. Conceptualize the scene you are in. And now visualize the room and the objects in it from your memory of the time before this meditation. Mentally describe yourself to yourself experiencing the room. When you are ready to come back to the awake and present moment, open your eyes.

How was it to do this exercise?

Take a few moments before you do anything else….